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nakeisha
nakeisha
Fiction. Their Real Goodbye (Hawkeye/BJ)
TITLE: Their Real Goodbye
AUTHOR: Nikki Harrington
FANDOM: M*A*S*H
PAIRING: Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce/BJ Hunnicutt
GENRE: Slash
SUMMARY: The war is over and Hawkeye and BJ are saying goodbye.
RATING: PG
WORD COUNT: 1,000
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Very angsty.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own these characters, nor am I making any money from them. I merely borrow them from time to time.



It was over.

The war was over.

They were over.

Hawkeye leans out of the helicopter and sees the message written in the stones BJ had left before he'd ridden off on the motor-bike. 'Goodbye'. The word BJ had never said, not as they stood and hugged for one last time or when they'd said their real goodbye a short time before the 'public' one.

As he settles down into his seat for the journey back to civilization, Hawkeye's mind goes back several hours.

Wrapped in one another's arms, hands clutching shirts, lips pressed against lips, bodies pushed together, in 'their' place, they know it will be the final time. Their final time.

Hawkeye knows that; he's always known it. Right from the very first time he and BJ kissed, touched, made love, he knew there would be 'no happy ever after' for them. There couldn't be. As much as he hated the war, the hell hole they lived in, part of him had wanted it to go on and on indefinitely, because while it went on, he'd still have BJ.

"Hawk -" But Hawkeye doesn't want to talk. What is there to say anyway? So he just puts his mouth back on BJ's and kisses him again, kissing him into silence. And as he kisses the man he loves, he catalogues BJ's scent, the way he feels in his arms, the way he tastes, the way the damned moustache tickles him.

It hurts; it huts so much. Maybe, just maybe, if he'd known at the beginning quite how much it would hurt, he wouldn't have started. Maybe. Or maybe not.

"Hawk." This time BJ won't let himself be kissed into silence again. He's taller than Hawkeye and stronger; he holds him tightly, gripping his arms as he looks at Hawkeye.

Beaten, for the moment at least, Hawkeye sags slightly. "Yeah?" he says and waits. But BJ says nothing; he just looks at Hawkeye with pain-filled eyes. "I . . ." He finally manages. "Hawk, I . . ." But again he trails off.

Hawkeye swallows. "Me too." This time it's BJ who pulls him back into his embrace; BJ who puts his mouth back on Hawkeye's; BJ who kisses him with love, sorrow, passion and despair.

It was over.

The war was over.

They were over.

He'd go back to Crabapple Cove, his dad and his practice. BJ would go back to Peg and Erin - just as Hawkeye had always known he would. It'd be good to see his dad again; he'd missed him and he'd missed home. But he'd give it up; he'd give it all up in a heartbeat if the man in his arms would remain the man in his arms.

But this isn't a fairytale and Hawkeye isn't some imprisoned princess about to be rescued by a knight on a white horse and taken away to safety where they'd live happily forever. This is realty. A reality far worse than the one he's lived though for the years he's been in Korea.

This was goodbye. This was final. This was hell. And yet, he wouldn't go back, not even if he could; he knows that. If he had the chance to go back and relive the last few years, he'd live them exactly the same way. Because to have loved and been loved by BJ even if for only a short time was better than not at all.

BJ broke the kiss again. "Hawk," he says again, this time brushing Hawkeye's hair back from his forehead. "I could -"

"No!" Hawkeye shouts the word. "No," he says more softly. "No." Just for a second he doesn't know who he hates more: BJ for what he'd been about to say or himself for what he would have said had he not stopped BJ.

He has to be the strong one. He has to let BJ walk away from him. He has to let him go. He has to let this be goodbye. He has to love him enough to do that - and he does. He really does. If only they could have a few more hours, a few more days, a few more months, a - He stops that insidious thought. What kind of man is he to wish for the war to have gone on?

"No," he says a fourth time. He puts a hand on BJ's cheek. "No, Beej."

"I love you." It's the first time BJ has ever said the words, and for him to say them at this time is almost Hawkeye's undoing.

He swallows hard, but doesn't attempt to stop the tears from forming in his eyes. "I know," he says quietly. "You've got Peg, Erin. I've got Dad. We'll be okay. Now kiss me one more time and then get the hell out of here before I -"

BJ kisses him. Tenderly, without the passion they usually share, with more love than he's ever betrayed before. The kiss is sweet, tender, moving, loving, bitter-sweet and painful; Hawkeye wants it to never end.

But it does.

It ends just as the war has ended.

Just as they have ended.

"I'll write," BJ says when they finally break apart and move from one another's arms.

Hawkeye just nods once. There won't be any letter coming to Crabapple Cove from Mill Valley, and for that Hawkeye will forever be grateful.

"Take care, Hawk."

"You too, Beej."

BJ turns to go. Then stops and glances back. "Thank you, Hawkeye," he says. This time when he walks away he doesn't stop.

'Thank you'. Two words that covered so many years and so many things, from Hawkeye's understanding and compassion to BJ's first reaction to war-hit Korea, to Hawkeye stopping him from finishing his sentence, and every moment in-between.

"Be happy, Beej," he whispers, wiping his eyes before following BJ.

As the helicopter flies through the sky, Hawkeye closes his eyes and lets himself slip into the first sleep he feels he's had in many years.

It was over.

The war was over.

They were over.

Tags: ,
Current Mood: sad sad

18 Notes or Leave A Note
Comments
From: murgy31 Date: 15th April 2010 14:40 (UTC) (Link)
*sniffles* my heart broke for both of them. Excellent story! I loved it.
nakeisha From: nakeisha Date: 15th April 2010 15:04 (UTC) (Link)
*Hands over tissues*

It was very hard writing this - and very un-like me *g*

Thank you very much indeed. I'm really chuffed you liked it so much.
sharpiesgal From: sharpiesgal Date: 15th April 2010 14:58 (UTC) (Link)
My heart breaks for them.

Very powerful.
nakeisha From: nakeisha Date: 15th April 2010 15:04 (UTC) (Link)
It's so sad, it's why they could never be a major pairing for me, even I can't give them a 'happy ever after'.

Thank you very much.
melanieathene From: melanieathene Date: 15th April 2010 16:56 (UTC) (Link)
What a lovely, heartbreaking story.
nakeisha From: nakeisha Date: 15th April 2010 16:58 (UTC) (Link)
Thank you very much indeed.
ashley_pitt From: ashley_pitt Date: 15th April 2010 17:15 (UTC) (Link)
Aw..gee..*sniff*

This hit me as hard as "Abyssinia Henry" and " So Long, Good-bye, Amen" did.
nakeisha From: nakeisha Date: 15th April 2010 17:21 (UTC) (Link)
*Hands over tissues*

Thank you very much for that compliment - I'm glad it touched you so much.
desrose From: desrose Date: 15th April 2010 17:41 (UTC) (Link)
Very VERY poignant! *joins in the crying party*

Your characters were perfect and... in character.

Your writings always touch me... I'm going to put this story in my favorites...

Much love!
nakeisha From: nakeisha Date: 16th April 2010 09:21 (UTC) (Link)
*Hands over tissues*

As much as I hate to make people cry, I am, of course, very chuffed that it touched you so much.

Thank you very much indeed for your lovely comment.

I'm so pleased to hear you're putting this in your favourites.

*Hugs*
raven_mcbain From: raven_mcbain Date: 15th April 2010 23:16 (UTC) (Link)
very good, heartbreakingly sad but good. Fits my mood at the moment to.

Edited at 2010-04-15 23:16 (UTC)
nakeisha From: nakeisha Date: 16th April 2010 09:22 (UTC) (Link)
Thank you very much.

Although I'm sorry it fitted your mood.

*Hugs*
raven_mcbain From: raven_mcbain Date: 16th April 2010 23:47 (UTC) (Link)
Your welcome it really is beautiful and matches them even if this ain't my pairing.

Thanks, it always hurts to lose someone you love.

*hugs*
nakeisha From: nakeisha Date: 17th April 2010 11:15 (UTC) (Link)
That's an even great compliment, thank you.

Indeed, it does.

*Hugs you*
karaokegal From: karaokegal Date: 5th January 2011 01:25 (UTC) (Link)
Gut-wrenchingly perfect.You caught the voices very well and this adds an extra dollop of pain to what the characters were going through in the last episode.
nakeisha From: nakeisha Date: 5th January 2011 11:54 (UTC) (Link)
Thank you very much indeed for your wonderful comment.

I'm so pleased this touched you so much and you thought I'd captured their voices so well.
storyfan From: storyfan Date: 19th February 2012 03:20 (UTC) (Link)
This is a terribly sad ending for them, but it's the way it had to be. Anything else would have been unrealistic, especially in that place and time.

Kudos to you for writing it this way.
nakeisha From: nakeisha Date: 19th February 2012 11:10 (UTC) (Link)
It is indeed the only way it could be. It's one of the main reasons (if not the main one) that I only ever dabble in M*A*S*H, I'm good at giving happy ever afters, but even I can't find away around Peg & Erin - at least not immediately after the war.

I'm glad you found it realistic.

And thank you very much.
18 Notes or Leave A Note